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13) Portugal Susy singing ‘Quero Ser Tua’

By now we had been listening to about half an hour straight of Eurovision ballads, and not even alcohol was proving enough to soften it. Step forward Portugal.

I was oddly transfixed by Susy’s chest – she obviously does have maidenly assets, but the netting holding her dress together was covering her so firmly I had the vague impression that even in the event of a thermonuclear blast, her cleavage would still be entirely safe. No problem with that, I only wish more Euroladies were so modest. A bigger problem was the song itself. It took me some time to place it, but this song is curiously reminiscent of Kaoma’s song “Lambada” last seen in 1989: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcTiPW-X8q4&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUKmWVFgawRdQBeexOP2U688 And here’s the Portuguese Tribute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8mz9uOvFQA

In a word: lambada

14) The Netherlands – The Common Linnets singing ‘Calm After The Storm’

There was a collective sigh of relief at the sight of the Common Linnets. The visuals were very much like U2’s Joshua Tree, it had the open sound of the Police and the vocals of the Honeymoon. I’m not sure that the Nashville sound has ever been presented to Eurovision before. “Calm before the Storm” sounds exactly the same all the way through, and they seem to have forgotten to put a hook in it. However, by then we were prepared to forgive quite a lot for anything that wasn’t another chuffing ballad. In a word: Amish. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkrF8uC92O4&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUKmWVFgawRdQBeexOP2U688

15) Montenegro – Sergej Ćetković singing ‘Moj Svijet’

It will be some time before all the Eurovision nations forget that stretch of the 90s when only the Irish seemed capable of winning the Contest. Last year Emmile Forest triumphed by ripping off the Irish heritage with ‘Only Teardrops’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RIhJ9QK740. This year, Montenegro is giving it a go.

“Ooh, its like Titanic,” breathed Bridget.

“Yeah, and we know how that turned out,” muttered Spouse.

Such was the mood of conference as the video began. And then the Montenegro tourist board got in on the act. First, a simply magnificent viaduct took the screen.

“That’s a great viaduct. I’d like to cycle over that,” said Aaron.

“What a sunset,” muttered spouse. “I’d love to see that.”

“See?” said Aaron. “Now every cyclist, runner and driver wants to go to Montenegro. Best £30K the Tourist Board ever spent.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xym7CQFFTOU&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUKmWVFgawRdQBeexOP2U688

In a word: entrepreneurial.

16) Hungary – András Kállay-Saunders singing ‘Running’

And now we come to one of the trickier acts of the Contest. Hungary have taken it upon themselves to give us ‘Running’, which has the chords of ‘Skyfall’ and the subject matter of ‘Luka.’ It plays rather like a three minute advert for the NSPCC. If it was screened on the BBC, they’d have that message “if you’ve been affected by any of the issues in this video, call the BBC advice line.” As the Eurovision cannot do that, here’s a list of helpful resources on the subject of abusive relationships from the BBC: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/advice/factfile_az/abusive_relationships .

On a practical note, I would just like to point out that if you tried to run to the drum and bass riff of the chorus, you might actually do yourself a mischief. I therefore attach a link to a rather more uplifting Eurovision song which I successfully run to all the time, Blue’s ‘I Can’: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkPEGcbVB8M

And here, if you must, is the video to Hungary’s Running.


In a word: challenging.

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