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9) Ukraine – Maria Yaremchuk singing ‘Tick-Tock’

Yoko Ono. Michael Jackson. The monochrome outfit and hat combination is not unknown to the annals of pop history. They have rarely been accessorised with quite so much cleavage and eyeliner as Maria Yaremchuk has managed. Sadly there isn’t enough tune to distract you from the considerable visuals that Miss Yaremchuk brings to the Eurovision party. Here, if you must is ‘Tick Tock’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdAf2EjhRiE&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUKmWVFgawRdQBeexOP2U688

And here is the infinitely better “You Can be my Yoko Ono” by the Bare Naked Ladies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5YIJ1pZEBc

In a word: curvaceous.

10) Belgium – Axel Hirsoux singing ‘Mother’

Once upon a time, my pub quiz team featured a Belgian diplomat called Serge. His grasp of global history and geography was truly remarkable. His contempt for the Eurovision Song Contest was pretty boundless. “Bof,” he shrugged almost gallically. “We have no time for it at all.”

Step forward Axel Hirsoux. When my beloved spouse clicked on the link to the Belgian entry there was a collective gasp at the sight of Axel, a young man who might reasonably have his own postcode. “That is a well filled suit,” said spouse. Nevertheless, the video shows a Belgian audience holding their mobiles aloft and swaying in concert with this rather depressing ballad. It features a lady dancing at the back of the stage, presumably playing Axel’s dead mother. Happily, it looks like Axel’s actual mother is very much alive and with us, and looking exceptionally proud of her son. That is very beautiful. All I know is that musically this song sounds like a slowed down version of Garbage’s ‘The World is Not Enough,’ and that it is a good deal better for being done faster. Here’s ‘Mother’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APWpOkRQoiY&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUKmWVFgawRdQBeexOP2U688

And here’s some Garbage. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C5NLfYdZaE

In a word: bof.

11) Moldova – Cristina Scarlat singing ‘Wild Soul’

According to her Eurovision profile “Cristina is the mother of two children and a loving wife. At her age of 33, she is regarded as one of the most strong-willed and determined women of Moldova due to her amazing ability to successfully combine career with family.”

This is very encouraging news, because based on this song alone you would think she was a really stroppy mare who bangs on about mercy a lot. The video is a very odd business indeed. Based on the markings on the floor, it seems to have been filmed in a squash court, but it does seem to feature quite a lot of minotaurs, jumping about, and a Korg bass line the like of which we have not heard since 1983.

The song riled poor Aaron back into life, who shook his head sorrowfully. “I didn’t like that at all.”

I nodded, “Come back Latvia, all is forgiven.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_E12QokqAs&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUKmWVFgawRdQBeexOP2U688

In a word: Korg.

12) San Marino – Valentina Monetta singing ‘Maybe’

It is said that God loves a tryer. Reader, God must flipping adore Valentina Monetta. This is the third year she’s represented San Marino in the Eurovision Song Contest. She has yet to qualify for the Grand Final, but San Marino’s Eurovision fortunes being what they are, she is still the most successful Euroartist in their history thanks to the frankly loathsome ‘Social Networking Song’: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqwBh9hq9PE.   Last year, she went back to her roots and put forward a ballad, in which she pretended to be a member of the Ood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi8mZ2ejLcE And this year, she’s gone ballad again with the song “Maybe.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt_3yms1PcM&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUKmWVFgawRdQBeexOP2U688

We sat through this patiently. Spouse pointed out that if it was more back lit and had more naked ladies in the background, it would be a contender for a Bond song. Indeed, so bored were we that spouse took it upon himself to test this theory out, thus:

Euro pix2

We must all sincerely hope and pray that Valentina does at least qualify for the Eurovision final. Its not that this song is any good, its just that at this rate she’ll still be putting herself forward in 2027. Come on Valentina! In a word: restful


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